An Open Letter/Plea

In the last month, as the mountains of dis- and misinformations have slowly been uncovered little by little, and as I have learned more about what exactly I have been subjected to, I have come to feel that there are a few people to whom I owe an apology either because I did not follow through on something I said I would and/or because I trusted someone I shouldn’t have and as a result put myself at a distance from you. In one case I feel I was openly cold to you when you tried to talk to me like a friend normally would. Anyone reading this I think will know who they are. There is one person who might be reading this who probably would not think I have something on my conscience about him, but I do. To him my flakiness may not be a big deal, but to me it is because it has always been very important to me to keep my word, and with him I did not. I would like to express my appreciation for a favour he tried to do, and apologise for subsequently disappearing into the void when I said I would for sure contact him about something we made plans to do. It’s a small thing, but still it is on my conscience, especially because he was being very nice when no one else was.

The thing is, I would normally do the right and mature thing and take it upon myself to contact you directly; however, I may not know how to do so for one or more of the following reasons:

+ I may no longer have contact information for you, especially since my facebook account is deactivated.
+ Because I know for a fact that he has lied to people about me (not “difference of opinion/perspective”, I mean outright fabrications), I am extremely afraid that you would be skeptical of my intentions (more about my intentions below).
+ I admit here that I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder as the result of my experiences over the last two years. What this means is that I am in a place where I have become too afraid of re-experiencing situations that would look or feel like what I experienced at home. One of those things was verbal battering, specifically denying my reality through something called “gaslighting”. Though I want to talk or write to you to apologise for my action(s), it would be very important to my recovery that I not get into any situation where I am “re-traumatised” by having to “prove” what I experienced by arguing or defending myself. I know this is sounding messy and complicated, but what I am trying to convey is that I will want to speak for myself, and not have to speak in defence of myself (I hope that makes sense). And I am not sure who I can trust to allow that to happen.
+ One of the things all abusers do is “campaign for sympathy” to isolate and discredit their partner so that she will have no one to go to and/or will not be believed when she tries to get support. He interfered with several friendships that I know of, but there are many more I just don’t know what the status is between us. I am doing my part to re-establish the friendships that I know of which were lost as a direct result of his interference, or neglected as a result of my withdrawal. So far I have been truly surprised at the strength my friendships had, that more often than not I am told that they trusted me to come forward when I could and that their feelings for me have not diminished in all this time. I am truly blessed, I know this. But to those I have in mind in making this open communication, I am so unsure how to proceed with you. There is one friendship especially, the one to whom I made the worst mistake of letting go, that is breaking my heart every day. But I just don’t know how I could begin to fix things, I most especially don’t know if she would even want me to try or if her opinion of me has been too damaged by the combination of his “campaign” and my own rudeness to her (his campaign went both ways to keep us from each other).
+ Plain and simple, I’m also not sure who even cares.

I guess all I can do is ask that if you are reading this and you think I might be talking about you, please think about what you know about me. I specifically do not want to engage in any kind of gossiping, you probably know from experience with me I have always been against that kind of behaviour. It is not my agenda to get anyone to “take sides”: trust me that I am a grown-up who understands this is not high-school, and I trust you that you are a grown-up who can judge for yourself how you feel about people. Also please consider what I say in my third point, above: I have no energy or even ability to engage in that kind of thing. I am suffering a great deal, not from loss of the “relationship” I was involved in, but from feeling very unsafe and uncertain. Every “unknown” I can eliminate or resolve is a great help to me and can contribute to my recovery. Like I said, there are apologies I feel are owed to a few people, if you are open and willing to hear me, please be so kind and take the first step toward me so that I can make them. My contact information is at the end of the sidebar, or if you have my phone number, you may call me if you prefer. I understand people may want time to think about it. I will not close any doors on these things unless you tell me that is what you want me to do. Otherwise I will wait until you are ready to talk to me.

Thank you for considering what I wrote. I am not sure I have said everything above that I should or that I wanted to, if I think of something later I will add it at the end of this post.

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Update: Also, if the above does not seem to apply to you and you are just a curious onlooker: if you can and wish to offer general emotional or moral support, please feel free to get in contact with me. All support is helpful, appreciated, and needed. I have been told so many things that could very well be totally wrong that I don’t quite know who all the people are that I can reach out to, and I know sometimes there are even people out there who a person in my position wouldn’t even think of. If you can or want to help, please do.

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